On Trusting Ourselves
Coming into alignment with yourself is a returning. It’s a returning to your body, your emotions, your innermost desires. You'd think it would come naturally for most of us, wouldn’t you? Yet it’s difficult for many of us. Why is that? Instead, we search outside of ourselves to find answers when the answer is within us. We rely on the wisdom and experience of others more than we do our own.
As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve worked to understand my experience coherently with empathy for myself. I don’t believe we are born innately distrusting ourselves or our bodies. Quite the opposite! I believe that we are taught to distrust ourselves. I think I was taught distrust through several means, one of which was religion, no fault to God. I believed that my “heart was deceitful above all things.” I experienced a co-dependent relationship with God (also, no fault to Him) where my only source of strength was outside of myself: Him. I depended only on God while distrusting myself entirely. But of course, why would I trust myself if “my heart was so deceitful?”
I remember memorizing bible verses in the AWANAS program at church. I suppose, if you know, you know. Two verses I remember reciting to my leaders were:
“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.” Jeremiah 17:7
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5
While these pieces of scripture encourage a deep trust in Creator, while standing alone or through interpretations that I was given, I received the message that I could not be trusted and that I was not strong enough or good enough on my own. That, in fact, without God, I was nothing.
What I once considered to be my “life verse” was 2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
Perhaps, this verse was meant to encourage us in times we felt weak, to embrace our humamity, allow God to shine in the cracks and lift us up.
But with the foundation of distrust already built within, what was my life verse became more disempowering than empowering as I began to believe that I would be unsuccessful if my power was simply my own- not God’s power shining through the cracks of my humanity. The Bible is open to so many interpretations. My point is not to lead a bible study. My point is to share subconscious messages that have held me back in life for years. And how that has finally shifted for me.
While I fully trust that there is a God and universe bigger than me and more sovereign, I trust myself now too. In fact, it has made all the difference in love, life, and my relationship with God. I’ve started listening to my feelings instead of suppressing them. I’ve been observing my body rather than stifling it. I’ve found a sense of autonomy and wholeness that I lacked before. I don’t have to reach outside of myself for the answers anymore. I trust they are within. I trust they will emerge at the right time. I trust my feelings and sensations as messengers working to protect me or guide me. I trust the structure of the universe and creation itself. I’ve found, surprisingly, now that I trust myself, I feel more held by God and this world than ever before. Somehow, it all started within me.
Recently, I shared this new experience with a friend, how I enjoy God more now that I’ve decided to de-construct my faith and cross over the line that religion has built for us. She quickly replied, “Of course you do because now you aren’t choosing Him from a place a place of fear.”
The other thing about alignment is that not only do you return to yourself, you also must visit and re-visit the angles at which you align. These can shift around inside of us throughout the day as we receive exciting news, connect with a friend; mourn a loss. We must check in and ensure everything shifts into the places we want it to. You have the permission to re-visit anything and everything, just so you know. In fact, it’s a good idea to do so. Relationships change. Beliefs grow stale. Bitterness settles into the bones when you look away for too long.
As you return to yourself, you may begin to notice how little you trust this person inside. You may realize how little you trust the very bones and muscles that hold you together, that send messages to your gut, then to your heart. You may practice leaning in and holding yourself rather than asking someone else to. You may discover how empowering that feels. Either way, you don’t return to alignment while desperately outsourcing others for happiness, fulfillment, or guidance. While community is deeply important and we gain so much wisdom and healing in relationship, our bodies are our compass. You must trust yourself, even just a little.
